Lately I seem to cling to these keys, these words, as though they are the only things I have. If this keeps flowing the darkness will disappear. I have found the stream of inspiration and beauty that I have been seeking out for so long. This bit of magic has turned things inside out. Nothing is quite the same anymore and I wonder what I'd be like if I hadn't bumped into this boy called David. He seemed to be the most unlikely thing I'd ever come across. At times I thought I had this elusive sense of connection but it always slipped out of my hands so easily and once again I think I have found it. In the middle of 750 000 people we stumbled across each other. Something tells me that this whole scenario was meant to be played out and that we didn't just meet by chance. I can't really say when we first met because in a sense we have known each other for so long. I always used to deny the fact that there is something called fate or destiny and I would still argue that things happen more often by chance than not, but this whole relationship makes me wonder if there aren't some outside forces pulling our strings. It sounds really cliché and even I am skeptical as these words fall onto the paper. I suppose part of this thinking comes from some type of self doubt or bad self image. I keep thinking that there is no way that I could make any of this happen, that no one would actually fall for me because they actually think I am a good person. Instead I find something else to take control of things. I project this control onto something outside of me because this all seems so unlike the rest of my life up to this point.

This David character has helped me find strengths I never thought I had. We talk and argue and beat things to death and then we start over again. I once heard that someone you love is someone that challenges you. David is constantly challenging me. He challenges me to throw away all the negativity and self-depreciation and fear. We question each other. I keep wondering when this will all dry up and the lights will fizzle. But why should it? Why should I think this way? It's really kind of messed up because when I finally find someone who wants to share everything with me I can't let go of the idea that this could never happen to a fool like me. The phone conversations that last for hours, the countless words floating through cyberspace, the packages through the mail, everything, it all seems like a dream and is really difficult to make sense of since we are so far away from each other.

Every moment we spend together is some kind of treasure worth more than gold. I have so many sweet and miraculous memories with him. These are what I hold on to when things seem so unlikely. I think about being at a campground together and lying naked on a make shift raft, floating lazily down Honey Pond, the sun high in the sky, the trees rustling ever so slightly as a gentle breeze caresses our bodies from time to time, his head on my stomach, bliss. Playing badminton naked and being blinded by the sun, having to constantly chase the birdie as the wind sweeps it away, watching his body move as he swings the racquet and dashes about. Dancing in a crowded night club putting our hands down each other pants, rubbing our swollen cocks together, pressing our chests together and enjoying the smell of our sweat combining, kissing deeply and openly as the music seems to stop and the crowd disappears, taking off to a back room and getting a blow job from him as a bouncer tells us to behave more appropriately. Playing around with an old keyboard and reading journals until 5:00 in the morning. Standing on the deck drying off after a shower gazing up at the stars. Lying in bed jerking of in the morning and him waking up and helping me out by playing with my balls. Going to a place called the Barn on naked night and making out in the middle of the place. Sitting on the deck having him cut my hair. Staying up late filing away emails. Wandering through a green house together, enjoying the warm, moist air and admiring the beauty of all the flowers, nearly getting caught with our pants down as the green house shuts down for the day. Walking around Toronto Island, feeling the boardwalk shift under my bare feet, going along the beach and enjoying the view. Watching as he lights a candle for his sister's baby, keeping close in thought and prayer and thinking about how thoughtful he is. Riding bikes through the city, racing around, ringing bike bells together, watching his beautiful legs dance as he pedals along. Buying groceries together at the cheapie store, taking our time to look at everything, pinching each other's butts in the aisles. Going to a shopping mall and making stickers with our faces on them, smooching in the photo booth. Going swimming together on a sunny day, hitting each other with foam bats, wrestling in the water as we try to tear off each other's bathing suits. Walking through the airport hand in hand while waiting for my plane to sweep me away, not worrying about what people will say or do at the sight of two boys embracing. Wrestling on the bed, sticking my tongue in his ear and watching him squirm as I try to pin his arms down, getting tickled and not being able to resist him pinning me down. Going for candlelight dinner at a place called Babylon, eating delicious pizza, hummus and roasted 'vegables'. Deciding that after our meal was a good time for us to arm wrestle, watching our waitress get all startled as she discovers what we are doing and says she will give us a few more minutes to figure things out with the bill. Listening to a conversation with a man named Falcon and watching beauty in action, seeing him open up and enjoying the fact that he can be vulnerable too. Making good food together and feeding it to each other, licking fingers as the food goes in. Buying toys and hiding them around his room, still wondering when he will find the last of them, seeing his eyes light up and watching him get all giddy as he spots the Xena doll I put on the top shelf. Taking photos of each other with the camera on his computer and watching a video loop of him giving me a blow job, constantly snapping pictures of each other as the days pass by. Driving back to the city from the campground and exchanging head massages as wind whips through the truck and the sun begins to set, being surrounded by trees on either side of the road, enjoying the feel of our flesh touching.. Feeling and looking ridiculous wearing each other's clothes after we go to a naked night at the bar, wandering around the village and eating food and snuggling a bit on the outside tables. Picking rose petals from outside of my house and drying them to put on the bed in the shape of a heart, seeing him get all excited when he discovers it because no matter how much we try and hide it we are both silly, romantic fools getting kicks out of being in loooove. Going through his clothes and realizing he hasn't changed styles since the mid eighties, trying on silly looking underwear with no butt in them, putting on a leather shirt and trying to pretend that I'm all butch. Watching a rain storm on the night before I leave. Its funny because it hasn't stormed the whole time I am in Toronto. David mentions that he had to plan waaaay ahead of time to get that storm to come and we take it as a sign that nature knows we shouldn't leave each other. Having my ass licked for what seem like hours of pure ecstasy and then getting fucked up the ass for the first time and nearly passing out. Breathing heavy, moaning and losing my breath, arching my back, hands slipping over sweaty bodies, pulling his cock deeper inside me, wanting this to last forever and feeling completely exhausted when it ends. Laughing as he describes fucking as being like shitting backwards only better. Watching him chew his tongue while he types on the computer or does just about anything that requires some concentration. Staying up and watching him sleep, seeing how beautiful he looks and almost getting used to his snoring without wearing earplugs to bed. Seeing him wake up in the morning, collecting himself together and thinking about how wonderful he looks and how beautiful these moments are as we hold each other. Watching several episodes in a row of my so called life and being wooed by the way Ricky dances, cuddling each other and eventually completely ignoring the television as we suck each other's dicks. Laughing like mad when I cum in his eye. Lying in bed while he reads to me from several books and his journals. He reads to me quite frequently and I melt. The best part of the whole thing is that I don't even have to ask him to read to me he just does it knowing that this will make me stay with him forever. Having lots of sex in the afternoons and never really realizing how great Star Wars music is for having sex to, especially all the really dramatic parts. Having sex while listening to Michael Jackson, its like a dream come true. Turning up the Alanis Morisette disc really loud and seeing just how much David gets into it, the one song reminds him of his ex and he sings it with such bitterness that I can't help but giggle. He prances around the room and I squeal with delight as he jiggles and dazzles me with the fluidity of it all. Non-stop swooning. Getting home from the airport and not even making it to the bedroom before we start ripping each other's clothes of and having sex on the hard floor of the dining room. Forgetting about how jet lagged he is from his trip to Europe and carrying each other away. Lying in bed crying while thinking about how much I am going to miss him when I come back home. He holds me and patiently waits as I try to talk through all the tears. His body curls around mine and he puts one hand on my tummy and the other hand on my head, we fit together quite nicely and I know that we will get through this.

Sometimes I end up spending hours making things for him, digging up old copies of zines that I wrote years ago. Making the package look really nice before I mail it off. Sending him all the photos we took of each other, making him a tape filled with tortured love songs knowing he will like it because he always falls for that romantic garbage.

The funny thing is that I don't really care if other people don't want to hear about all this stuff. This is how things are going for me right now. This whole long distance business can really get me down. Sometimes I am lying in bed dreaming about him or thinking about the feel of his skin against mine while we sleep and I can't help but start to cry. We keep talking about the things we didn't get to do while we were together and make plans for the future. At times I feel really anxious and perhaps even a touch of regret here and there for forgetting to do some of the things we talked about. Being far apart can really take its toll but when I feel lonely or down because we aren't side by side I remind myself that we have got the rest of our lives to be together and to do all the things we plan. Every once in a while thoughts of doubt creep into my head and I have to question our whole relationship and wonder if things will work out in the future. Instead of wondering I have started planning since nothing has ever felt as right as this. I read this piece a while ago where the author was talking about how the only semblance of purpose in our lives is found in love and relationships, about how the only god is love. He said that when people find god that they should hold nothing back and to hand themselves over. David and I have found god.