Today is a Thursday. I'm going to Montreal with the other grad students in my program at school. We get back to Toronto sometime Sunday night. I will return to my place on the York campus which is an hour and a quarter away from my boyfriend, David's, house, On Monday morning I teach a class. This means that I won't see David until Monday night. Four days. These four days will seem like a lifetime. Every time we say good bye to each other, for even a day, there is a sense of melancholy hanging in the air. Each time I feel a sense of loss. I am eyebrow deep in love. I am "boy floating in warm water." I can't imagine life without David.

I think about this morning, about waking up tangled together. The flesh of our naked bodies melting together. He feels warm and looks incredibly sexy. Waking up snuggling together is one of my favourite tunes with him. Drifting in and out of the world of sleep and dreams. Floating slowly into consciousness nestled with the one I love. I lie on top of him trying to ensure that as much of our bodies touch as possible and we gaze into each other's eyes. We drink life and inspiration from each other.

I think of our good bye and can still taste and feel his tongue in my mouth. I can feel his beard brushing against my face as we make time stand still through our embrace. I pull down his sweat pants and slurp up his lovely cock. I think of how this is the last time we will touch for four days. We have to cut the good bye short because I'll either start bawling or miss my ride.

It seems as though our relationship has reached a strange new level. We have established a monogamy of sorts. Of sorts. I find this "development" to be exciting, romantic, and confusing all at once. I would have never seen this coming. Not so long ago I was extolling the virtues of open relationships, and I still do, saying that I wouldn't want to be in a monogamous relationship. As it turns out I have fallen goofy in love with this wonderful boy and don't really feel like having sex with other people. I feel so fulfilled with David that sex with other people doesn't really appeal to me unless David is involved too. I find it romantic because we are soooo in love.

At this point in our relationship having sex with other people isn't all that fun for me. I still enjoy it, but it can't be compared to sex with David. A little while ago he went out of town for a week and while he was gone we both had sex with several other people. I had a lot of fun, but there was a catch; virtually the whole week I couldn't get an erection. I kept thinking about David while I was with other people. I kept imagining him wandering by or imagining the scenario with the added bonus of having him there. That was about the only way I could get off the whole time.

While I am not overly disturbed by the fact that I only want to have sex with David I do find it a bit confusing. I thought I had things figured out, but that has changed and now I only have a bit of an idea. My brain realizes that open relationships are great fun and wants me to have tons of fabulous sex. My heart says that I don't want to pursue fabulous sex with anyone other than David. With David even when we are falling asleep or rushed the sex is fabulous.

If you have been following my writings in HeartattaCk you'll know that I'm more than a little obsessed with this wonderful boy. Seemingly related to this is the fact that on some level I don't want David to have sex with other people. I won't stop him if he wants to, but it ends up not sitting well with me. This feels selfish, but it too relates to feeling a deeper sense of love for him than I have ever felt with anyone else.

There is this sort of split between ideology and feelings. In theory I even like the fact that David or I has sex with other people. However, my feelings say to beat away all those other folks and keep David for myself. At the same time that I want to go out and show David off I want to shoo them away and say "too bad, he's mine!"

So where does this all take me? Where does it take our relationship? While neither of us are opposed to having multiple sex partners, right now it isn't a priority. When we are away from each other we will have sex with other people, but as soon as we are in touching distance we can't keep our hands, or anything else, off of each other.

As far as I can tell relationships, much like sexuality, continually, flow, change and evolve. As
things stand right now David and I are basically monogamous and I have surprised myself by loving it. I definitely don't feel as though relationships have to be monogamous for love to be shared. I also doubt that things will always be this way for us. We will learn and experiment with each other. We will learn from the sex with other people and bring back new ideas and challenges to each other. I look forward to every experience with David. With us it doesn't matter if the experience is "good" or "bad" because they are all experiences and they all bring us closer to each other. We are living and learning from each other. We are laughing and loving, and it all seems quite perfect. There is magic and we've made it. There is love and we live it. This I am certain of.