-The Big Fear:
Upon finishing my graduate degree in Visual Arts I find myself wondering what the hell to do with my life. Fear, wonder and uncertainty about what I'm doing here and what I should do with that time weigh heavily on my mind.
A friend describes "big fear" symptoms in the following way "listening to a lot of New Order, buying lottery tickets, and planning events and life changes which have no linear relation to your personality or pre-big fear interests. ie: becoming Muslim or learning Italian." This seems to sum things up quite nicely. A sudden fatalist mindset takes over and I just hope and wish for something to flop into my lap. Perhaps extreme boredom with life adds to said "changes."
I used to think that the word "bored" was not part of my vocabulary. I thought there was no reason to be bored, ever. I still think this is true, yet I find myself totally bored and playing video games all day long or obsessively checking my email. This makes me feel guilty. There is so much that I should be doing, so much that I want to do, yet I'm feeling completely unmotivated and seem to lack the impetus to do anything very substantial. Maybe boredom is to the "ones" what big hair was to the 80's. It scares me to actually type the words "I'm Bored."
There is this line in the movie Ginger Snaps where one of the characters says to her sister, "You said you wanted to kill yourself because you had nothing better to do." I suppose contemplating suicide could also go under big fear symptoms. I wonder if I actually found the guts to go through with it how I would do it. If I would want it to be messy, where I would do it or if it would just be a result of carelessness. I don't really want to be dead, but sometimes it feels like it.
-Hatris for Nintendo:
I recently discovered this game called Hatris for the Nintendo. It's pretty old in video game years. If you aren't familiar with it, it is pretty much like Tetris only you have to line up rows of hats rather than rows of blocks. This game completely baffles me as it seems like a total crap shoot. At a certain point in the game I always die. Unlike Tetris, the fallen pieces don't ever seem to go down, they just build up until the game ends. I'm sure that there is some secret I haven't found yet that makes winning the game actually possible, yet I can't help thinking the people who made this game were playing some kind of sick joke on kids across the planet. Part of me is using this game as a self-esteem test. Am I really a failure in life because I can't get past the first level of this game?
-The colour pink:
I have been really excited by the colour pink lately. Maybe this is some last ditch attempt at being happy or something. It really isn't that bad though. I suppose a boy wearing pink is kind of transgressive. Maybe it is just girly things in general and not just pink that I've been interested in. All the pretty, sparkly things in Value Village are always in the women's section.
I just had my 25th birthday. I wonder if this nostalgia trip I am on with 80's clothes and music is not about trying to maintain a sense of what I associate with youth. Becoming 25 was no big deal, I haven't even thought about it really. Part of the reason I don't drink also ties into a desire to hold onto youth, but I can't say I haven't been thinking about getting drunk lately. I don't feel older or different because I'm 25, but half the time when I go to see bands most of the "kids" really DO seem like they are kids.
Anyway, The thing with pink ties in well with 80's fashion. I keep wondering how so many boys got away looking so femmy when now it seems like a total crime. Think about it though, Boy George, The Thomson Twins, Wham, Doctor and the Medics, Dead or Alive. All of these bands had 80's hits and all of them wore lots of make-up. I guess 80's retro is no big thing since it's everywhere. The one thing that NEVER should have came back though are those tinted glasses, the ones like J-Lo wears. Ugh! They are hideous.
I wonder how long this Taiwanese sensation will stick around for. It seems like bubble tea shops are a dime a dozen. If you haven't tried bubble tea yet, what are you waiting for? Bubble tea is basically cold flavoured tea that is really sweet and has gooey tapioca "pearls" in it. Really the tea is just a vehicle for the pearls because they wouldn't be all that exciting on their own. The pearls have this amazing texture which is vaguely reminiscent of those Orbitz drinks that were around a few years ago. Don't forget about the fat straws too.
-The distance between two people:
The distance between any people really. The distance between those people we call friends that live in other cities, the people we always say we should be in touch with more often, the people we think about so often yet interact with so little. The people who love us and want us, but who aren't loved and wanted back. The hearts we break. The people we plan to spend our lives with and all of the ups and downs that come with the package. The way people that we love the most have the ability to hurt us the most. The way people come and go out of our lives unaware of just how they've impacted us or how we have impacted them.
After three years of being in a relationship with a wonderful boy I still feel like I know nothing about how to operate in a relationship or how to navigate living with other people. It occurs to me that all of us are essentially alone in this world, but I suppose there is a difference between being lonely and being alone.
David and I have been through a number of ups and downs. Right now the downs seem to be quite abundant. We are both going through a lot of stuff outside of our relationship and it seems to be spilling over. I am reminded of exactly how passive aggressive I can be and it bothers me. This seems to be yet another place where faulty social skills don't seem to make things better. Maybe one day I'll get a better understanding of how to relate to people in this world.
I am not even going to pretend like I know anything about Attention Deficit Disorder, but it seems to be everywhere these days. I am beginning to wonder if A.D.D. isn't some kind of normal neural response to the world we live in. I have no idea if it is possible to develop A.D.D. or not, but I have been noticing my attention span getting smaller and smaller. This would explain the boredom with life as of late. I seem to have trouble focusing my attention on things. I suppose an immediate example is that fact that since I've sat down to write this column I've switched back and forth about four times already to play video games. Unfun video games at that.
It doesn't have much to do with A.D.D., but I just finished reading Glamorama by Brett Easton Ellis. He seems to have a keen eye for things that seem to be "of the time." I get the impression he takes a lot of things in. He seems to be able to pin down things quite precisely that are signatures of the time or year we are living in.
I'm using Ellis as a segue way to Destiny's Child for a reason. Popular culture seems to be increasingly fascinating to me. I don't get it. Meaning I don't understand why popular culture is popular. It seems like total pap.
A few weeks ago I went to see Destiny's Child perform at Much Music. It was completely ridiculous, but I also loved it. I found myself in the midst of hordes of 12 year old girls. I keep thinking that the band should aim more for the gay demographic though. Or maybe the gay and 12 year old girl demographic are quite similar, I'm not sure. They seem to play the same music in the fag bars.
There is this thing I keep noticing in these girl bands right now. Their attitudes on sex and religion seem to explain where people get their ideas from. There is so much garbage about how monogamy is the best thing in the world and how if you even kiss another person you might as well not ever talk to them again. Maybe this is sort of a straight thing to a certain extent. Having non-monogamous relationships seems to be a lot more common in queer circles. I watched every episode of Temptation Island and thought how if all the people on the show were gay boys no one would have given a shit about who slept with whom.
Anyway, Destiny's Child are fully into God and even have a sort of hymn-like song on their new cd. They also have this song about how wrong it is for women to dress slutty. This makes NO sense given the fact that at the Much Music thing I could actually see Beyonce's butt crack spilling out of her pants. I really don't understand my attraction to them. I think they are one of those things that seem to define the "now."
-If this column will be printed:
After the thing with Ravi's column I have to wonder if this will get printed. This has been a preoccupation every time I send in my column. I wonder when I'll get plucked out for not really talking about hard core or "the scene" or for babbling on about Madonna or whatever.
Maybe this is the part where I will get more hate mail or be accused of being a shit talker because I don't really even go to many shows. I don't understand most of the shows I see here in Toronto. It seems like people either want to rip each other apart or are totally catatonic. What happened to actual dancing? People appear to have thought bubbles over their heads saying " go ahead, TRY and entertain me." All these bands roll through town and people seemed totally bored by them. When I lived in Regina, with a much smaller scene, people seemed to get more into the music because there weren't that many shows. People here seem to take the bands for granted.
"After all of the darkness and sadness soon comes happiness. If I surround myself with positive things I'll gain prosperity." -D.C.